Advice or help with BIPOLAR?

Hi guys, I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a child. When I hit the 5th grade the school decided all of a sudden I was not dyslexic. I had a few thing happen in my life , when I was 16 a doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. The meds they gave me made me flip , I was seriously debating suicide and I quit varsity football my sopre year because of it (started back my junior year). My history is this , my biological parents left me with my uncle when i was little, i grew up thinking my uncle was my dad until i found my birth certificate when I was eleven. Me and my older brother walked up as my brother committed suicide when I was around eight. That is when i was diagnosed as dyslexic due to falling grade, mixing letters , and my attention being off task to much. However , things like TASK test i completed at 100 percent every year in elementary. I got an A in AP chemistry my sopre year and I has missed over half the second semester. I was over weight , kids made fun of me for a while but when i hit eleven i grew a foot and half and my body changed dramatically. I had a very physical and mentally abusive brother , i think he was very upset I was there since he was the baby child I came along and messed that up when my uncle took me in. I lose myself , i give up easy , i have all the symptoms of 'depressive episodes' , very little if any of the manic side. However I was diagnosed as BIPOLAR. I am sick of it , I hurt someone i really loved hiding in side , not being myself and she left me. I understand if she really was what she said she would of stayed and understood. Specially since no one ever treated her like I did. However she was much younger and very beautiful. So me being 26 and her 19 , at 19 idk . Regardless of that it has cost me a lot of things. I have kept things like my child's mother dying , and my biological mother dying inside. It makes me very anti social and I get upset and say things I do not mean. Not saying 'ill kill you' but like trying to explain to my late wife I love her and im sorry for something. Instead when she gets upset , and i try to 'fix it ' i say stuff like ' why are you doing this , i said im sorry , F this , i don't need this in my life" then i would go hide so she couldn't really see how bad i felt. When i try to reason some times , its like my heart and brain say one thing but my words get all messed up. I got the point where im considering writing everything instead. It's effected my job , to the point i wake up so antisocial i don't want to see anyone in the world. I have anxiety symptoms with it off and on . I have learned to control those symptoms but they still drive me nuts . For a very long time i denied there was something wrong. I feel very alone. So knowing that , I ask what should I do? What do you think of this and where should i really turn. I don't drink or do drugs , its almost as if i feel i was born this way. Imagine sitting on a couch staring across the room, someone you really love is in trouble , you try to move and you can't. You can't focus and thoughts of failure haunt your every second. Then you 'snap' out of it in a few weeks or months and its to late. That happens to me a lot, i have plenty of will inside , i am very loving and understanding but something inside me is destroying me . Please any advice and please no trash talking. I am so tired of people saying stuff like 'man up' ...i thought that for so long , it does not work. Whatever is wrong i finally see at this point of my life, no amount of ignoring it and moving on will help because its impossible to do. I hurt myself when i act this way , it tears me to pieces.